Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Long time, no talk...

So it's been a while; and quite honestly I have been longing to blog. My issue is that I don't have my laptop or a netbook at our new house (yes we moved, it's been a busy few months...more about that later) I had no idea how connected I had gotten to my laptop. I simply cannot blog on my pc! Does anyone else have this problem? Maybe I am just weird. The bottom line is that for now when I am traveling I shall blog away; at least until I can get my hands on that nifty little netbook that my bestie pointed out will fit perfectly in my handbag :)

Moving on, which is precisely what I have been up to; we moved and I started a new job, which I am truly enjoying. It gives me the opportunity to stay connected with my type-a planning self and work on research projects that actually mean something and are making a difference in pediatric healthcare...these projects truly are remarkable. I am surrounded day in and day out by some of the most well known experts in perinatal, neonatal, and pediatric care Phenomenal! Tomorrow is my big "final exam" (not really but that is what I have been calling it) we have one of our biggest sessions tomorrow of the year and we have been working hard so I hope I can pull it off ...fingers crossed! As for the move, we found a great place about two hours north of where we were and only a 20 min commute from work. It's beautiful! We were able to be close enough to the "city" of Vermont while still enjoying a quaint and quiet Vermont lifestyle. Eventually I'll post pics of the new place but right now we are doing quite a bit of updating. We signed a 2-yr lease so we have plenty of time to update but have already done some. Not that it needs it that much, just more of putting our own touches of home on it.

Taking my writing for a 180 can I tell you how excited I am for S&TC2...I didn't even know how much until I found sneak peek previews on the satellite in my hotel and found myself hooked. I find my TV addictions to be interesting because I am always a bit off beat just by a smidge. I suppose this could/and probably does pertain to all areas of my life, but that's not the discussion here...back to topic...all my faves, Friends , 90210 (the original), Two and a Half Men, Cosby (forget age here) and yes, Sex and the City, for one reason or another be it time, work, realization... I never watch these shows when they are up and running I always find them in syndication then become absolutely hooked where I am in desperate need to spend the 2 or 300 dollars for ALL episodes. Why is this??? Okay, maybe I am just weird, although I do prefer the term quirky.

I realize this is all a lot to take in heck it's a lot for me to write although I feel compelled at the end of this to, how have you been?

Friday, March 19, 2010


"Change" it has been a theme in my life the past few weeks. Seasons are changing, time has changed, my baby went from baby to toddler and is changing E.V.E.R.Y day, the grass is changing, plans are changing, my life as I know it (yes, a bit of drama here) is changing. I don't think that change is bad, in fact I used to think that I was open to it, but when faced with true, life altering, big-girl-kind of change, one's comfort zone and true mechanics become transparent.

A bit of history...I used to believe that because I was always changing the color of paint on the walls, the arrangement of furniture in my office, or the purse I was carrying that season/month/week/ or even day, that all of this was some indicator that I was a-okay with "change." In fact, I was sooo okay with change that I didn't really feel the need to have any. I was so "ok" that I could just plant myself comfortably anywhere without the need to make any real change. The kind of thinking that I had previously paid my dues with this change thing. Not so much. Really I was avoiding it and was clearly oblivious. That it is until change, changed me.

When driving up to a crossroad you have full control of the car. You can choose to go in any direction you'd like. Sometimes there are signs and other times just dust, but there is one thing people at crossroads often forget (in this overused metaphor) is the "easy option" The one that offers you to turn around and go back the way you just came. Which, from one point of perspective, seems to be the smart and safe thing to do, at least then you know where the road will take you. The other directions offered come with baggage. A ton of baggage...all in the shape of question marks. And let's be honest, who likes question marks??? (I realize there are some of you out there but I don't know many/any so allow me to be extremely general and personal) I HATE question marks. Questions are meant to have answers and I'd prefer to know them; especially when they pertain to me. And, quite bluntly, in addition to having this passion of dislike for not having concrete answers, anyone who knows me can attest that I have absolutely detest not being in control. While these may be character flaws, I am well aware of them all and admit wholeheartedly to them.

Anyhow, you get the point, I'm not one for change and I was faced with it. It stood directly infront of me, nose to nose, awkwardly in an elevator (not literally) and I was terrified. Change is scary, it (literally) made me sick; but I knew it was right. So I succumbed and made the change and while I may not have come to terms with it completely here is my point...

I don't like change and all of my minor changes were ...updates rather not changes. True change is terrifying, no doubt, all risks are. But when it comes down to it it's not about risk or change or following your heart. It's about following your gut. Your head is cloudy, your heart is passionate, and at the end of the day your gut instincts are all you have to go by; it is the only thing that is right. It is where change truly comes from, when life intends a new path and we may not be ready or if we are just plain terrified then it forces change on us and tells us that we are capable of the road ahead because it is our path. At the end of it, I can only trust my instinct, take a risk, and know it's where I am supposed to go. In that light, change isn't so scary.

Sunday, March 7, 2010 are to remain safely on the ground.

Every time I fly somewhere I complain about it, I loathe it really, but yet I always do it; then when it's over I swear I'll never do it again. Well today I do presume that it is safe to say I'll never do it again because I don't think anyone is going to let me do it again; not myself, not my husband, and more than likely not the airline!

Here's the story...

I flew out to LA for work last week. It was a trip I had done in the past. Not one that I am necessarily fond of but as much as I HATE flying I don't like letting my fears take me over. So, when I came across the same opportunity yet again (and this time to support one of my students) I jumped (without thinking) at it! It worked out just as well that my husband and daughter could go and have a bit of time away while I was working. Then the time came to actually go. I was surprisingly okay at the airport to depart. Everyone who worked at the airline were even really helpful in rearranging some seating so that we could bring my daughter's car seat on without charging us for a seat. SCORE!!! She's more than a bit of a wiggle worm and this was VERY helpful. I was even okay, for the most part, on the 6.5 hr flight there. I am an odd duck, very odd, when it comes to flying and I rely heavily on the seat belt sign. Once the sign *DING, you are now safe to move around the cabin* goes off I tend to be okay. However, if it goes back on due to bad turbulence, which it always seems to do, I get a little shaky. OK, so I made it out to LA fine. Work went well, all was well, weather was great! Jump ahead to early (very early) Sunday morning. We were running a mere few minutes behind but because I like to plan plenty in advance we were still ahead of true schedule. Then we got lost trying to get back to the airport and drove in circles for long enough to frustrate me. Granted we were still on time but I was not in the greatest of mindsets. Nevertheless we get there, not late, got through security which wasn't even that bad but I was overtired and not in the best of moods. We get to the gate and I inquire about the same luck this go around with the car seat. She works it out to move us to the back of the plane (last row) but it works. I am not ecstatic but I'm pleased. Still feeling weary I go for a Starbucks stop wait in line for 25 min and get back to the gate just in time to board. As we are boarding a gentleman is greeting people who is someone from the cockpit, I ask if he's the Captain and he jokingly says oh no, I am the first officer, this isn't my run so if something goes wrong, it's not on my dime...hahaha. I do not laugh, I am tres unimpressed and I was like seriously you have NO IDEA who you are talking to. Whatever. So we get on and get to the back and there is someone in one of the last row seats. Oi. When we say something the Flight Attendant makes some comment about a lap child and we explain the whole shebang and they make this fuss and tell us to wait until everyone has boarded and then "we'll figure it out." Then they tell us she can have the seat but the car seat will provide a weight imbalance because it's the back of the plane...really?!? A 5-10 lb seat plus a 25 lb child. You mean to tell me you only allow individuals under 25 lbs to sit in that seat???? By this time I am soooo unimpressed but oh wait! It gets better. The guy in the seat looks at his boarding pass and is in the wrong seat!!!! All of this mess for nothing. By this point, the combination of extreme lack of sleep and too many little things that are meaningless going wrong become meaningful. Very Meaningful. I start to panic. I can't override the shaking and I can't make the tears stop. I try every optimistic thought, every trick I know, nothing is working. At this point, I am too far gone, I am having a full blown anxiety attack. Too many things have gone wrong for this plane ride to go right. GET ME OFF THIS PLANE. I make this decision, cost is no object, I want off!! So we tell the flight attendant, there are other flights, I don't really care about the logistics. Now my decision is made but I have all attendants around me ...again. They think it's about the car seat, it's not, it's truly not, I try to explain, I have had bad experiences in the past, it's's about all of it. So they talk me down and I breathe and stay on the plane. I remind myself the weather is beautiful and remind myself that plane crashes are far and few and I am not that special. I won't say it was a smooth ride, the seat belt sign came on two extra times for turbulence en route, but we were making it. Then to round it all out, he comes back right before landing and says "okay Kerri, so this is what's going to happen" and begins to prep me on landing but he's saying it in a way that as if he is trying to set me up for something awful. As if a driver in a car were to say okay we are going to hit the tree than wrap around it but that's normal when you hit a tree. So I looked at him and asked wait, is something wrong??? And treating me like an invalid says no I am just prepping you for the sounds of landing and guessed it, I lost it... again. The kicker was when the same attendant came back and gave me his business card and said so when you get home make sure you go onto our website and right an email about how this was the best flight ever and how much you love the airline. YEAH RIGHT BUDDY!! Even if I was going to before I most certainly am not now you pompous, pretentious, jerk. Thanks for letting me know you genuinely cared. And why, may I ask would I want to?! Then finally after a presumed 30 minute early arrival which turned out to be right on time arrival because the landing took FOREVER (which even others on the plane agreed was a bit extensive) I buried my head as everyone got off the plane as to keep from making eye contact, because yes, today I was "that" person. I left saying never again which probably holds little to no weight, I always say it, then I get excited about new opportunities; but this time my husband said damn right never again, you can stay at home (love you too hun: but really I cannot blame him...he had to deal with a squirmy baby and a hysterical wife) and I am sure the airline and the FAA for that matter, once they hear about the crazy lady with a baby, will not allow me on in the future...near, far, or anywhere.

Well, at least I enjoy driving! Truth be told, I prefer it.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Chick-Flicks can cure ...anything

It's been a while and today I am in bed sick as a dog (I hate this reference) listening to everyone I talk to tell me how awful I sound (thank you btw) and trying to feel better. I have avoided stuffing myself in my room with the go to remedy because I just have not had time. But once I get sick enough where time no longer matters, I turn to a sure fire remedy that I feel compelled to share...

Some women would say chocolate is their choice remedy for just about everything. For guys, a good beer and a round of cards with the boys. For me, while I admit I do enjoy all of the aforementioned I prefer a good chick flick, or many depending on the illness. Tom Hanks, Richard Gere*, Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts, Matthew McCoughaney*, Jennifer get the picture. They all become old friends reuniting to help me get well soon.

Of course, when I get sick I purchase all items on the typical get sick check-list: Kleenex, Chicken Soup, NyQuil, and cozy PJ's. However there is one indulgence that I always fulfill and I believe, helps to make me feel better (or at least distract me from whatever ailment has taken over my body)...chick flicks. When I am down and out there is nothing better than a good round of Sleepless in Seattle, a series of Friends episodes, some Serendipity, and of course a mini marathon of Sex and the City all are definitely on my "make me feel better list." The irony here is that this is similar to the checklist of a break-up remedy. Replacing NyQuil with wine and chicken soup with chocolate, of course. Regardless, I find that it's all pretty much the same. Now there is no guarantee how long or how many chick flicks it can take, numbers vary with illness, but I find if I remain persistent my team always comes through. My theory is strong and proven to be a success in my case, whether it be a cold, a heartache, a bad day at work, or whatever other stressors may be weighing on my shoulders chick flicks can cure just about anything on any given day and if you want to include wine, chocolate, or NyQuil (not recommended with wine) I would highly recommend this remedy for just about anything to anyone, In the end everyone has what works for them and this is what I find that works very, very well.

As for me right now, I am not quite half way through my list and am hoping by this time tomorrow I am over the worst part of this wretched disease (dramatic sigh) that has taken over my sinuses and ease of breathing. I have faith my "doctors" won't let me down.

*Top 5 reference

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

"Being Domestic"

I, like so many, struggle with fitness. I don't even try to hide it, I HATE working out. I can stand dieting, I can practice self control but getting myself to the gym or outside for a fun run (haha, I laugh at the thought) I just cannot do it. In addition to this, I, like many, beat myself up over it. Thoughts easily consume me, I should be there; maybe I'll get up early; I could probably leave the baby just a little bit longer. Yet I never, okay-rarely, ever have true follow through. This part I find interesting, because I am a follow-through type of gal. I follow through on just about everything I do. To be honest, it's kind of annoying because I can't just walk away from too many things-except that is for exercising. Yup, I suck at it.

Tonight I was standing in the grocery line, staring at all of the grossly, scrumptious, high in instant gratification: low in long term satisfaction edibles that enveloped me in the checkout lane...then as I glanced over all of the items in my cart, primarily baby related, it hit me. Why the hell do I have to work out!!!!??!! Seriously! I quickly thought of all the things I do in my day to day routine that should be positively and rapidly slimming my waistline. Here it is, you do the math...

20lbs of baby (avg.) - An easier calculation of daily frequency would be to see when I am not holding her.*
5-7lb Diaper Bag(avg)*
10lb car seat (without baby)-@ least 2x Daily in and out of car*
1-2lb purse-Is there really a need to put a number on this?*

3 round trips to the coffee station - Daily*
20 stairs(avg)-Daily (too many times to count)*
Running around the Grocery Store @least 3x per week*

Arm, Butt & Leg Toning
50-60 bend and lifts of baby-Daily*
20-30 bend and lifts of diapers-Daily*
25-35 bend and lifts of toys- Daily*
3 massive loads of laundry- 2x per week
Miscellaneous trips in and out of the house/ car/ store*
Random walks to lord only knows where*
Random chases after the dog, the baby, or yes, even my husband*

*These items are done at least half of the time in high heels

All in all I do believe I should be well on my way to having the body of the latest swimsuit model.

Reality check-I once read you burn x-amount (x=some obnoxious amount) of calories lifting the remote control. Ergo, men could try to prove they were doing something productive while feasting disgustingly on the beautiful couch, we work so hard to keep pristine and comfy. If this is truly the case then why is fat not melting off of me? This is the daunting question. Although, I suppose, just maybe, I am not being 100% fair to this constant fitness routine I will refer to as "being domestic" perhaps it takes the full 18 years of child rearing to reap the physical benefits. Ugghhh, I suppose only time will tell. Until then, being domestic is by far one million times better than going to any gym, for me of course, and the way I see it I have deserved whatever indulgence (in proper proportions of course) that the grocery line may bring...hey, I earned it!

Monday, February 8, 2010

The "Hallmark" Holiday

With Valentine's day less than a week away, I feel compelled to breakdown what a good friend of mine refers to as "The Hallmark Holiday." V-day is supposed to be a day of love and romance but seems to ignite more sparks of disagreement rather than love. Debate surrounds this day almost as much as the term Merry Christmas (which btw I think is crap, but that's a different soap box). So, here's my outlook...

Men have issues with this day because it forces them to be romantic on some level. My argument with that is well-maybe if you took the initiative the rest of the year to remind us that we are loved, we are beautiful, and we are the one you really do want f.o.r.e.v.e.r (despite our age, weight, or frizzy hair) women decades ago wouldn't have claimed this day as a way for you to make us feel I didn't say this was a good argument, just the obvious one.

Women who have issues with this day are rarely in relationships. (Sorry, but it is true) However to be nice to these fragile hearts. Truth be told, there aren't many women who dislike Valentine's every year, their entire life.

Exception- As always there are exceptions. The rare man does exist who lives for the romance that can come on day such as February 14. I happen to know one such individual. He is a romantic at heart and he uses this very special day of love as an excuse to go over the top in his gestures, but not because that is what you are "supposed" to do but rather because it is who he is at his core, a true "romantic being." Equally rare- is the woman (who does exist) who believes that Valentines is truly just another another day to smile sweetly and be appreciative for what she has in a partner and speak from the heart just as she does each night before bed : ).

Personally, I am all three. I have had my moments of bitter disappointment spending my fair share of Valentine's day alone and absolutely cursing the day. I have had my time, admittedly sometimes strapped financially or maybe not in the best of relationships, where the last thing I wanted to do was be romantic. And then there are the times when I have spent romantic evenings being wined and dined at fine restaurants. As a woman I admit that celebrating Valentine's Day and succumbing to this hallmark holiday is much more enjoyable than fighting against it.

There are always going to be moments in life when we wish things were a different way but we can't change that Monday is Monday...we have no way of making it Friday so we just have to put on a smile and get through, then it's over before you know it...even the longest of days come to an end. So if you really hate this holiday I am sorry, but put on a smile and it will come to an end; and unlike Mondays you have an entire year until it comes your way again. The bottom line is ITS VALENTINES DAY ...ITS ABOUT LOVE. ANY KIND OF LOVE. Draw a heart on a piece of paper and give it to your mom, your dad, your child, your's about making someone smile and if you are lucky enough you may get one yourself. So maybe it is a "hallmark holiday" what's wrong that? My last "hallmark" was pretty phenomenal <3

Monday, February 1, 2010

"There's no such thing as playing it safe..."

"There's no such thing as playing it safe. There are really only two paths the one that is right, and the one that is almost right. When you take the latter it is merely god telling you "okay, well if you really want to go that way, well, alrighty then." " Her words echoed through my mind, I wasn't afraid, I was scarcely calm. Everything was resonating. I am not sure what I was expecting to get out of this experience but this wasn't it...was it? Some would say her words were generic, this woman had given me so much in such a short amount of time, my mind was reeling. As soon as I got off the phone I thought to myself, okay-alright-I can breathe, she made sense. I quickly dialed my husband, no answer. So I dialed my mom and told her about every word (I could recall) from this intuitive counselor. I think, well I know rather, my mom doesn't believe this kind of thing. But something about the validity she gave me was calming and I was very much appreciative.

I have fears, we all do, and for the last few weeks my husband and I have been considering making some significant changes to our life, but other things were coming to fruition. Some might call these things "signs" and others "tests" the kind of thing that makes you ask are you serious or are you a dreamer and not a doer?? I didn't know which was right and I had heard this lady for months on the radio and I had done some research and was willing to pay for one of her readings to not put myself out there publicly. My husband, the realist and skeptic that he is said OK, if you really want to, but maybe you should just try to get through on the radio first. I agreed. I left it up to fate...if it rang it was meant to be but by no means was I go to hit redial for three hrs. Low and behold, it rang and was answered very quickly. I was guaranteed to be put on the air live as long as I stayed patient and on hold. I could hear the whole show and it was amazing, yet very much Sleepless in Seattle. I laughed, I cried, I rolled my eyes, I even considered hanging up until this sweet, heartbroken old man wanted to be connected to his wife who had passed. This medium knew things about their love, even about the way they slept at night that no one could possible have known...I was convinced. I was her next call. After giving her a very generic request (with all intentionality) testing to see what she would give me. Well within seconds she said and I quote "you are quite the list maker (giggle, giggle) yeah Kerri, you are kind of busted!" OK-she has my attention!

It was such an awesome experience...yes for you skeptics out there maybe she is a flake but in some ways we all kind of are. But whether it be god, a "higher power", Buddha, whatever, isn't life better knowing there is something greater than us and this out there?? And if there is and we believe this, isn't there always an operator? Food for thought I suppose. Either way...what a cool experience for me. I wouldn't say it changed me Per Se, rather allowed a little bit of stress to melt away and a little bit of validity that I am a bit crazy at times and trust that there is a path to remain on, I should continue to move forward, and to remember you have a mind and a gut separately for a reason.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Today I found something, something I have been looking for for YEARS! Something, I never really lost but was always in hot pursuit. No, it wasn't a man, I have one of those...this was even better. MY FASHION STYLE. Admittedly as the author of a blog with the given title I am somewhat embarrassed to admit this, and so early on into our relationship, but I figured I'd come out with this adulthood struggle sooner rather than later. But even the fashionistas out there have had their time.

So here's the thing, I am a black pant, white poplin collar shirt, with haute shoes kind of woman. For years my wardrobe consisted of black, black, and more black. The more I shopped the more I would force myself into bright colors with bold and loud patterns, but I never felt comfortable. I always felt like I was wearing something unflattering, I had this unsettling feeling that I wasn't adding up, so to speak. I was rejecting my inner fashion sense! Don't misunderstand I never wore anything worthy of what not to wear. I just had this idea that fashion was a general protocol and was ignoring the reflection that must come from within. That all changed...yesterday. The day before was comfy day at work. I had on a nice pair of jeans and a t-shirt until I got to work and pulled on my work polo and switched into some matching brown flip flops (yes, I wear flip flops in the middle of winter and my stiletto boots are in transition fyi). When I got up yesterday morning I felt the need to get all dressed up for work so I slipped into a comfy v-neck red pocketdress with a large black belt and my black heels (a personal signature). I admit I was feeling pretty good. That is until I ran into one of my colleagues who was dressed completely opposite but looked phenomenal, and chic. Tweed pants with a turtleneck and a great pair of boots with some gorgeous pearl earrings. She complemented my dress and how red is a good color on me...but all I could think of was wow I really want to be wearing your outfit. For whatever the reason I couldn't stop thinking about this encounter. Jump forward to last night, big dinner party at my house so I tucked myself away with one of my favorite movies FOBII. I have always admired the women in this movie, I have always been fascinated with that kind of perfection. Jump ahead one more time to this morning when I was getting dressed when I realized my wardrobe was absolutely NOT me and I had the urge to dispose all of it to the local Salvation Army, or ship it all to those poor people in Haiti. I don't want this I am a conservative. I need conservative clothes. Where have they all gone? Shouldn't they be here? How do I get them back? This sounds like a frantic feeling but the realization itself was oddly settling and very much a feeling of peace as if I had just found my keys in the most obvious of places after searching for hours on end. I am so excited yet quite embarrassed that it had taken me so long to put it together. Then I wondered how many other women, fashionistas or not, have this kind of dilemma? I mean many of the worlds highest and respected celebs in fashion have designers and personal buyers, the rest of us have to figure it out on our own and sometimes it's harder than it should be. But I must say, it is liberating and relieving. Now whenever I go shopping I am going to try to buy once staple piece, a shirt here, some pants, a cashmere sweater, maybe some more pearl earrings (I LOVE THEM) and of course shoes and purses as they find me (because I do not shop for accessories, accessories shop for me). Now this is not to say an occasional bright top will not be omitted it will simply be toned down with a jacket or a pashmina, but now I know (a little bit more of) who I am and while to some this may seem a bit too circumstantial, narcissistic, or vanity at it's extreme, I challenge women everywhere to deny that at somepoint they haven't questioned their wardrobe and who they are in the clothes they wear and whether or not the two match..For me I, it is nice for no one else, but me, to say thankfully I (finally) match.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Blog Virgin...sort of.

For most of us, the first time we have sex follows a number of other "encounters" that could've led to sex but didn't (thankfully). We don't consider ourselves new to the game so to speak, however we've never gone all. the. way. Well, fellow bloggers, that is how I feel about the world of blogging. I have made a few posts on other sites here and there; dabbled in some pre-blog foreplay, but only now have I made the command decision to go all. the. way. I must admit there is something to it, blogging that is (ok, both really). Although, I am excited about my new mode of expression and I look forward to picking up fun tricks and learning from others as I go (hope you don't mind) nothing can be truly as satisfying as knowing, this time around, I don't have to worry about using any "special protection" or take a pill before posting (interesting thought though), but as I write it occurs to me... I could still get a virus...damn those things follow you everywhere!

Okay, really, enough with the metaphor, so I am new to this whole thing, that's okay. My whole point in starting this lovely blog wasn't to develop sassy, slightly inappropriate metaphors rather have a place to put my thoughts out into a land seemingly endless. I am a woman, I am a mother, I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a professional (to name a few). I put my whole heart into everything I do; and if I had all the money in the world I would have a new pair of black stilettos each time. I am a little bit smarmy, but never mean offense. I would do anything for just about anyone, within reason and legalities (of course) and my friends and family are my life. I am terrified of flying, dying, and crying at work; and without a doubt my husband and daughter are the best part of me.

So I don't really know what's to come in regard to subjects; I can't guarantee at some point this could be my release of obsession, frustration, and a few oh, so, sappy moments but no matter what I am very much looking forward to this...