Friday, March 19, 2010


"Change" it has been a theme in my life the past few weeks. Seasons are changing, time has changed, my baby went from baby to toddler and is changing E.V.E.R.Y day, the grass is changing, plans are changing, my life as I know it (yes, a bit of drama here) is changing. I don't think that change is bad, in fact I used to think that I was open to it, but when faced with true, life altering, big-girl-kind of change, one's comfort zone and true mechanics become transparent.

A bit of history...I used to believe that because I was always changing the color of paint on the walls, the arrangement of furniture in my office, or the purse I was carrying that season/month/week/ or even day, that all of this was some indicator that I was a-okay with "change." In fact, I was sooo okay with change that I didn't really feel the need to have any. I was so "ok" that I could just plant myself comfortably anywhere without the need to make any real change. The kind of thinking that I had previously paid my dues with this change thing. Not so much. Really I was avoiding it and was clearly oblivious. That it is until change, changed me.

When driving up to a crossroad you have full control of the car. You can choose to go in any direction you'd like. Sometimes there are signs and other times just dust, but there is one thing people at crossroads often forget (in this overused metaphor) is the "easy option" The one that offers you to turn around and go back the way you just came. Which, from one point of perspective, seems to be the smart and safe thing to do, at least then you know where the road will take you. The other directions offered come with baggage. A ton of baggage...all in the shape of question marks. And let's be honest, who likes question marks??? (I realize there are some of you out there but I don't know many/any so allow me to be extremely general and personal) I HATE question marks. Questions are meant to have answers and I'd prefer to know them; especially when they pertain to me. And, quite bluntly, in addition to having this passion of dislike for not having concrete answers, anyone who knows me can attest that I have absolutely detest not being in control. While these may be character flaws, I am well aware of them all and admit wholeheartedly to them.

Anyhow, you get the point, I'm not one for change and I was faced with it. It stood directly infront of me, nose to nose, awkwardly in an elevator (not literally) and I was terrified. Change is scary, it (literally) made me sick; but I knew it was right. So I succumbed and made the change and while I may not have come to terms with it completely here is my point...

I don't like change and all of my minor changes were ...updates rather not changes. True change is terrifying, no doubt, all risks are. But when it comes down to it it's not about risk or change or following your heart. It's about following your gut. Your head is cloudy, your heart is passionate, and at the end of the day your gut instincts are all you have to go by; it is the only thing that is right. It is where change truly comes from, when life intends a new path and we may not be ready or if we are just plain terrified then it forces change on us and tells us that we are capable of the road ahead because it is our path. At the end of it, I can only trust my instinct, take a risk, and know it's where I am supposed to go. In that light, change isn't so scary.

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